Tales of the Abyss Randomness
by Jadegang
Summary: A funny re-telling of the game Tales of the Abyss, with other games mentioned as well every once in a while.


_**Chapter 1: The torture begins**_

Warning: This fanfiction could be considered as a Crossover, though there are going to be far too many different games mentioned in this game (Tales of Symphonia, Persona 4, etc) for me to write them all down. There´s also going to be major character bashing - even if I like that character - and there will be swearing pretty much all the time so be prepared! Also, I´m German so the sentences won´t be 100 % correct in regards to grammar all the time.

* * *

A little girl with green hair who had also been assigned to voice Yulia enters the sta-- Excuse me? That´s a guy?? Yeeeaaah, tell me another one! Ahahaha... ha.... WTF?? That ISN´T a joke???? 0.o

.................................................... *cough, chrm, chrm*

Sorry, little fella...

A little BOY with green hair who - for reasons I quite simply can´t fathom - also voices Yulia Jue while she had been voiced by Tear´s voice actor in the Japanese version enters the stage.

"N.D. 2000... Wait a second! What´s `N.D.´ supposed to mean anyway?? Shouldn´t it be `A.D.´??"

Dozens of bags full of Gald are thrown on the stage by NamcoBandai Studios, towards the little brat.

"N.D. 200: In Kimlasca shall be born one who inherits the power of Lorelei. He shall be a boy of royal bloo-- Holy Shit! A guy inherits the power of an old hag of an ancient German legend?! Who the hell thought up this idiotic shit?!"

Raine appeared on stage, swinging a scythe which she´d named `Chuckie´, and chased Ion through the room.

A blond boy with a wisp that represents the condition of his penis is slowly creeping towards the microphone. The wisp is standing up proudly, like always, since the boy´s always horny.

"Heeelloooo-hooo!!", the boy shouted enthusiastically into the microphone with the voice of a girl. "It´s me, Emil Castagnier!" The producer groaned, annoyed. "I´m actually supposed to appear years later to drag down Tales of Symphonia´s bad sequel´s level even further, but I thought I could say `Hello!´ to all of those fangirls out there already before I try on my new Asbel Lhant costume so that I can sneak into Tales of Graces as the main character. That tall blond guy with that huuuuuuge sword is `nearly´ as hot as my Richter! :3 ... BUT ONLY _NEARLY!!_"

Raine could be heard in the background, swinging Chukie around and laughing like a lunatic.

* * *

Far, far away on Derris Kharlan Mithos Yggdrasil got a boner.

"Fuck!", Mithos moaned.

"My Lord?", Remiel who was busy in his master´s pants with his hands asked. "Do you like my way of _pocking_ the Black 8?"

"I guess so. But that woman...", Mithos panted while turning the frequency of his radio towards planet Earth. "Her laughter is even crazier than mine! I think I´m in love!"

* * *

"Yes, Chuckie! Cut that little pussy into dozens of little pieces! AHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! TIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

* * *

"I just HAVE to meet her!!", Mithos groaned, completely horny now. "I demand a photo of her, now!!!"

"Um... Lord Kratos could take a photo of her during the journey of World Regeneration, couldn´t he?", Remiel suggested, sweat-dropping.

"Oh, that´s right... I´m supposed to annihilate mankind and all that stuff, because I´m secretly into incest and want my sister back for disgusting SM games...", Mithos said, lost in thought. The angels who were present in the room backed away immediately. "Okay... KRATOS!! COME HERE, BOY!!!"

The door was opened rather loudly and Lloyd Irving entered. "Yo, what´s shakin´?"

"WTF are you doing here?!"

"Well, the producers thought it would be funny to give my role to Kratos for once while I get to play the irresponsible idiotic father this time.", Lloyd explained and scratched his head. "They said that role would fit me better. No idea why."

"Yeah, I can totally imagine you wouldn´t...", Mithos mumbled and rolled his eyes.

"Well, at least there´s one good thing about it: Colette´s finally dead!", Lloyd cheered, grinning. "Now Anna´s the one always falling to the ground face-first and becoming like a robot more and more!"

"Dude! You´re totally spoiling the story, ey!", Rodyle complained.

"Your point being? There´s dozens of crazy brats out there on YouTube who are uploading stuff like that so that others can watch it without having to actually pay.", Lloyd said, shrugging.

"... What´s a YouTube?", Mithos asked, puzzled. Lloyd held a monitor before his eyes which showed a strange creature that distinctly looked like a penguin that was performing the `Big Gay Dance´. "Yay!", Mithos cheered, jumped onto one of the tables and began dancing as well.

"Fag...", Lloyd sighed, then jumped up in horror when the door was opened seconds later and Colette stormed into the room, a halo over her head, tripping and falling to the ground, like usual.

"WTF are _you_ doing here?! You´re supposed to be dead!!", Lloyd screeched in horror.

"I may be dead, but you´re not getting away!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!", Colette cackled like a lunatic and flew after a screeching Lloyd who was running through Welgaia which Colette had already painted pink during her search for Lloyd.

"Why is my kingdom suddenly painted in pink?", Mithos asked. Scary silence among the angels... "THAT LOOKS MAGNIFICIENT!!!" 0.0-faces among the angels...

"Yeah, doesn´t it?", Emil said, suddenly standing next to Mithos.

"How the fuck did you get in here?! Didn´t you get on the produvcers´ nerves down there just a few moments ago?!", Mithos asked, puzzled.

"Yeah, but they kicked me out so I flew up here to wreak havoc upon the world by selling my `Dildo of Doom´ to Cruxis.", Emil explained and took out a pink dildo that sang `I luuuurv you! Gimme me a hug!´ with Mieu´s voice. Everyone in the room backed away.

"Could this chapter get any more random?", Mithos asked himself.

"KUUUUUUREEEEEEEAAAAAA!!!", a man with silver-blue long hair suddenly shouted into his ears before disappearing through a black door that looked like those doors the Organization XIII liked to use in Kingdom Hearts.

"STEEEEEEEEELLAAAAAA!!!!", a guy with silver hair shouted into his other ear a few seconds later and disappeared as well.

"ESTEEEEEEEEELLEEEEEEE!!!!!!", a man with long black hair followed seconds later.

Silence...

"BEARSONA!!!", a creature that looked like a teddy bear shouted, making squeaky noises while running before disappearing through a black door as well.

Even more silence...

"Does anybody have the telephone number of that hot guy with the black hair?", Mithos suddenly asked. 0.0-faces among the angels.

"Yo, I know 'im. Just had him last week!", Emil giggled, and started searching around in his pants, throwing dozens of vibrators, anal pebbles, nipple clamps and G-strings out of it in the process, and finally found Yuri´s telephone number. Even more 0.0-faces among the angels.

"Okay, give that to Pronyma. I want her to arrange a date.", Mithos said and gave the piece of paper with the number to Remiel. "Where is that old dried-up hag anyway?"

"She´s at the Giant Seed making out with Direapa.", one of the angels answered.

"Di... Dierieper?", Mithos repeated, confused.

"Oops, wrong fanfiction...", the angel mumbled and hurriedly left the room.

"Okaaaay..."

* * *

In the meantime, NamcoBandai Studios hat decided on another role reversal, this time in Tales of the Abyss - like they had already done with Lloyd and Kratos.

"Chrm, chrm...", a young man with long light-brown hair cleared his throat. "Well, so N.D. 2000, ya know, there was this dude, and--"

"Just read the text please, Peony.", one of the producers said from the studio while Raine was swinging her dear Chuckie rather threateningly, laughing again.

* * *

"Oops, she did it again!", Mithos sang like Britney Spears on drugs and shot his load again.

* * *

"N.D. 2000: In Kimlasca shall be born one who inherits the power of Lorelei. He shall be a boy of royal blood, with hair of red, and... blah... blah blah blah... blah blah..."

"BLAH BLAH BLAH! TIDAL WAVE!!!", someone shouted from the back row.

"GET OUT!", one of the producers yelled and threw a Blastia out of the room.

"Blasta! Gotta get it!!", Rita Mordia screeched and jumped after the Blastia like a dog (or Kou Ichijo) after a ball.

And finally, after the intro had been finished after repeating it multiple times, the heroine entered the Warp Room of Yulia City (though nobody was supposed to know that this was Yulia City yet).

* * *

"Beam me up, Scotty!", Emil giggled on Welgaia. Seconds later Richter appeared in the room. "RIIIIIIIIIIIIICHTEEEEEEEEEEER!!!", Emil screeched like a love-struck teenager and jumped at the man with the red hair.

"JUDGMENTO!!!", Richter yelled.

"Riiiiiiiiiichteeeeeeeeer!!!", Emil screeched while he was thrown into the cosmos by the attack, Team Rocket style.

* * *

Um... So the heroine entered the room.

"Yay! I finally got a better role, meaning more Gald! Yey! Money, money, money!", the girl with two pigtails sang, Tear´s outfit far too big for her, especially around the bust line. "HEY!", Anise shouted angrily. Um... Of course, that outfit was far too _SMALL_in that area! "... That´s better." She turned around and looked at the warping device. "Well then, time to kick my evil brother´s ass, right?" She advanced towards it. "Beam me up, Scotty!"

And while the producers were groaning again in annoyance, Raine was chasing around Mieu with Chuckie, her laughter causing another boner for Mithos.

* * *

Asch fon Fabre awakened early in the morning at, 13 o'clock...

"I´M NOT SUCH AN OVERL-SLEEPING DRECK LIKE THAT STUPID REPLICA!!", Asch yelled and threw a hyperresonance at the producers.

"You´ll get Natalia, tied to your bed, when this is all over!", the producers hurriedly promised.

"Deal!", Asch immediately said while walking to window to stare out at the fone belt.

Well, this certainly was going to be an amazingly random and pointless fanfiction...

* * *

Author's note: That `Direapa´ mentioned in the story will be mentioned in another fanfiction I´m going to write soon. Just disregard that for now.


End file.
